I was just reminded I should write in my blog more. Sorry!
Not much exciting going on at the moment, just a lot of slave work for the school. It's not bad, I enjoy it a lot actually. Growing up? Quite possible.
In other news, I got to spend time with the amazing Agi in Haiger and visit her family as well. It snowed like a mad man, but I quite enjoyed it. It was almost like revisiting Alaska, except it snows there a lot lot more. I've just forgotten what it was like since I've been living in Kentucky.
Agi's parents were super nice, though. However, I was amazed to find out that her father actually liked George Bush. That's not common in Germany, and we spent a good hour discussing that. Somehow everyone always wants to speak politics with me here when they found out that I'm from the States......
In the school, the Dr. Phil show has caught fire. Now every English teacher wants me to do it in all of their English classes as well. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing it because it's a lot of fun, but it does take a lot out of me. I get so stressed out about perfecting it that I'm actually making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. That's how teaching in general has felt thus far. Anytime I have some kind of lesson to develop or activity to think of for the next class, I go home stressing the fuck out. Then the activity/lesson takes place and I reflect, "Gee, that wasn't so stressful at all." Maybe I'm just nervous? I guess I really do need a lot of practice.
My German... well, I'm never satisfied with its progress. Every time I begin to think, "Ah! It's getting so much better!" I almost immediately experience something that tells me differently. This past weekend I was at a going a way party for a friend who's going to Portugal for study abroad. At first I was so hard on myself because I felt like I wasn't doing anything to mingle. I could make the excuse that it's often really overwhelming jumping in a conversation with native speakers when I can't communicate like they can with each other. Hence, I feel like I'm less worthy of conversation. It takes more patience and concentration to talk with me. I. hate. that. And it just makes me feel like I can't speak the language at all.
Sometimes I feel like I'd learn more if I were with other foreigners who were learning German. I'm only around native speakers except for Vincenzo, but I suppose we don't really talk much. All the native speakers here take my pronunciation for granted, and I'm often too proud to ask what they meant if I didn't understand. I don't want anyone knowing that I didn't understand what they said when they spoke like they normally would. Perhaps if I were around other German learners I'd not feel so inadequate. But I get the feeling NO ONE understands that here. People don't understand how much patience I have when I talk to people in English. But I guess we Americans are used to people learning our language, therefore accustomed to being patient with foreign speakers? Ok, not all Americans are patient when it comes to foreigners, but I definitely am.
[sigh]. This all comes about because of the stories I hear when others go abroad to learn English. My friends from Vienna, for example, all came to Vienna to learn English. First I thought that that was a dumb idea, but they really did learn a lot. Now they can tout that their English has really improved. But what if they had try learning it in a country where it's the official language like the U.S. and they were only around native speakers? I think it would have been a lot harder. Even still you see foreigners in the U.S. who only hang out with other foreigners because it's so much easier to speak English with them.
Whenever a foreigner visits me in the U.S., I'm very cautious and careful with the things I say and how I say them. I'd even remind my friends to be careful, which brings me to another point. I HATE HATE HATE it when someone says right in front of me, "Hey, you have to speak slower and clearer if you want him to understand you." Somehow I translate that as, "His German is not that great to understand you." I mean, thanks for showing that you want me to understand, but would I just feel so inadequate and unequal and foreign when someone says that in front of me. It does a lot of harm to my learning. Makes me feel like I want to give it all up.
Of course, learning a language with others learning the same language has some negative affects. That's why it'd be important to speak with natives, too. But I just feel like throwing someone out in a pool of natives is like being thrown into the deep end of a pool of icy cold water. I want to ask questions that are stupid without feeling stupid. I have tried, and even though I understand how they could be funny for native speakers, laughing only makes me feel like I shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. Then I only feel less motivated to learn the language.
Maybe I'm just weird.
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